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Smuggler Arrested With 300 Tarantulas Strapped To Body

Police in Peru arrested a man caught trying to leave the country with 320 tarantulas, 110 centipedes, and nine bullet ants strapped to his body, with the officials called to action after noticing that his stomach area looked “bulky.” What do you think? “How do we know the Tarantulas weren’t smuggling him?” Kevin Lynch, Exterior […]

Nancy Mace Introduces Bill That Would Ban Trans Colleagues From Congressional Gymnastics Team

WASHINGTON—With widespread support from her Republican colleagues, Rep. Nancy Mace (R-SC) introduced a bill Friday that would ban transgender lawmakers from the congressional gymnastics team. “I don’t care how good their bar routine is—no trans lawmaker will ever step on this mat,” Mace said in support of the two-page resolution aimed at preventing incoming Delaware […]

Political Profile: Matt Gaetz

President-elect Donald Trump selected Matt Gaetz as his choice for attorney general. Here is what you need to know about the former Florida congressman.  Age On Tinder: 22 Height: 6-foot-2 with extra gangle Speaking Style: Scorned debate champion  Religion: As needed Criminal History: Unfolding  Forehead Movement: Critically endangered Fake ID Connection: Solid Type Of Sleazy: […]

Biden Supplies Ukraine With Anti-Personnel Landmines

President Joe Biden agreed to give Ukraine anti-personnel landmines, a move criticized by humanitarian organizations that’s seen as an attempt to slow Russian troops who have been steadily advancing in Ukraine’s east in recent months. What do you think? “This is the type of decision making that just might get Biden another term.” Sierra Chen, […]

NASA: Potential Link Between Extraterrestrials, Giant Metal Claw Picking Up Earth

WASHINGTON—Urging the public to remain skeptical until the object could be studied further, NASA officials confirmed during a press conference Wednesday that there was a potential link between extraterrestrials and the giant metal claw currently picking up the Earth. “We believe that the mechanical three-pronged hand recently spotted clasped around the Arctic may be controlled […]

Biden Authorizes Ukraine To Use Long-Range Weapons On Him

‘I’m Ready, Man,’ Declares Weary President WASHINGTON—Explaining that this represented the end of the line and he simply wished to go out with a bang, President Joe Biden announced Monday that he had authorized Ukraine to use long-range weapons on him. “Effective immediately, I’m giving the Ukrainian military the support needed for them to carry […]