NASA: Potential Link Between Extraterrestrials, Giant Metal Claw Picking Up Earth

WASHINGTON—Urging the public to remain skeptical until the object could be studied further, NASA officials confirmed during a press conference Wednesday that there was a potential link between extraterrestrials and the giant metal claw currently picking up the Earth. “We believe that the mechanical three-pronged hand recently spotted clasped around the Arctic may be controlled by intelligent beings via a sort of joystick,” said NASA administrator Bill Nelson, who urged more research to determine whether the enormous claw is alien-made or a natural phenomena. “Our radar has picked up signals that sound like, ‘Oh goddamn it, try again,’ but that could simply be cosmic noise. The planet has been dragged through the solar system several times recently, suggesting that whoever or whatever is doing this really wants Earth and has enough credits to keep trying until it succeeds.” At press time, the Earth was reportedly plummeting through space toward a large pile of other planets.