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‘I’m Ready, Man,’ Declares Weary President
WASHINGTON—Explaining that this represented the end of the line and he simply wished to go out with a bang, President Joe Biden announced Monday that he had authorized Ukraine to use long-range weapons on him. “Effective immediately, I’m giving the Ukrainian military the support needed for them to carry out a precision long-distance strike that would put me out of my misery,” said the visibly depleted commander-in-chief, who described how the U.S.-provided Army Tactical Missile Systems, or ATACMS, would provide Ukraine’s forces with a crucial edge in wiping him off the map after years of grinding existence. “It has been a long road to get here. Frankly, I’m tired. So, so tired. All I want to do is to go away forever. A missile launched over 5,500 miles from Eastern Europe would do that exactly. So launch the strike, Volodymyr. You’ll be doing me a favor, all right? 10…9…8…” At press time, Biden was spotted waving his arms as he stepped onto the White House lawn and looked expectantly toward the sky.