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Notre-Dame Cathedral in Paris will reopen to the public five years after a devastating fire, with the bells ringing out for the first time since 2019. What do you think? “It was more eye-catching when it was on fire.” Scott Polomo, Chain Linker “Will it still have the original pedophiles?” Erin Jehl, Cart Puller “I […]
ANAHEIM, CA—Saying the couple wanted to minimize disruptions while they celebrated their love of American animation and each other, area bride Rachel DaSilva told reporters Friday that her Disney wedding would be kid-free. “Josh and I are so excited to tie the knot here with Mickey, Minnie, and all our friends and family in attendance, […]
MINNEAPOLIS—Grabbing their pom-poms before heading out to pump up the crowd, several WNBA players confirmed Thursday that they have been forced to supplement their incomes during the offseason by cheerleading for NBA teams. “With the season over, everyone in the league is scrambling to make ends meet by getting a second job dancing for the […]
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LOS ANGELES—Emphasizing that he treated the 20-year-old the same as any other rookie, Lakers power forward LeBron James denied Wednesday that his son Bronny received preferential treatment when he lifted him up to dunk. “Yes, he’s my son, but in no way do I favor him when I give him the ball, help hoist him up, […]
BOULDER, CO—After he single-handedly transformed what was once a humble get-together into a full-on rager, bystanders reported Wednesday that double-jointed man Greg Thiede has blown the fucking roof off the party by doing weird things with his arms. “Whoa! The cracking noises coming out of this guy’s elbows and shoulders are taking this party to […]
OKLAHOMA CITY—In an effort to provide all developing fetuses in the state with a thorough grounding in Judeo-Christian values, a new bill was signed into law Tuesday that requires the Ten Commandments to be displayed in every womb in Oklahoma. “With this landmark law mandating the Ten Commandments be hung on every pregnant woman’s uterine […]
Buying clothing you’ll enjoy and own long-term can reduce the amount that ends up in landfills. Here are tips for finding your personal style: Use color analysis to determine if you’re a winter, spring, summer, or climate apocalypse. Put together a fun mood board based on the Book of Leviticus. Walk in and out of […]
The world’s first wooden satellite was launched into space in an early test of using timber in lunar and Mars exploration, with scientists studying whether the material might help reduce the creation of space junk. What do you think? “But what if it rains?” Miles Hart, Unemployed “I fear the day beavers enter space.” Charlotte […]