Written by 
A woman who spent her life adhering to societal norms now regrets not living her truth, as following what she thought was right has made her life unbearable.
*Martha Malindisa always knew she wanted something different. She knew she was attracted to women but chose to conform out of fear of being ostracised.
“I realised I liked girls during high school because when my friends were starting to date and discuss boys, I wasn’t interested. Instead, I was attracted to girls, but I couldn’t share this with anyone. I didn’t want to seem strange. So, I suppressed my feelings and decided to be like everyone else and act ‘normal’,” she said.
After completing matric, the 37-year-old left her home in Verena, Mpumalanga, to find work in Gauteng, where she secured a job as a cleaner at a shopping complex in Pretoria.
“That’s when I met the father of my children. He worked at one of the stores in the complex. After dating for almost a year, we moved in together.
“In the beginning, things were okay—he treated me well—but after a while, I realised he was a womaniser. We would break up and then later reconcile. During this on-and-off relationship, we had three children,” she said.
When asked if lobola had been paid, Malindisa explained that he only paid half when trying to win her back after a year-long separation. Despite this, the relationship fell apart again.
“I really regret dating that man because my life is a mess, and now I have all these children to raise while he continues his life as if nothing happened. He’s not helping me with anything,” she said.
Malindisa lost her job during the height of the Covi-19 pandemic and has been job-hunting ever since.
To improve her chances of finding employment, she didn’t return to Mpumalanga and is currently staying with an elderly relative in Soshanguve.
“I need to find something of my own because if this woman passes away, her children, who are my cousins, will likely not be as understanding and will probably want me out of the house.
“I love my children, but if I could do it all over again, I would have chosen differently. I can’t stop thinking about how my life would have turned out if I had just followed my feelings and lived my truth. Yes, it was daunting to come out at that time, but at least I wouldn’t be carrying this burden,” she said.
Malindisa added that, even if she started dating women now, it wouldn’t make a difference.
“What’s the point?” she asked.
“Had I started dating women from the beginning, I wouldn’t be in this situation. Even if I start now, my children are here for life. I still have to provide for them, and they’re depending on me because their father is useless,” she said, sounding frustrated.
“Children aren’t the problem; the problem is having them with the wrong person. That was my biggest mistake—a mistake I made trying to please people,” she said.
For now, Malindisa relies on social grants to provide for herself and her children. She also explained that taking the father of her children to court for maintenance wasn’t an option for her.
“I don’t want to force him to do the right thing. He knows what he’s supposed to do. I don’t want the stress of dragging an old man to court,” she said.
*Not her real name