Written by 
Bryce P. Tetraeder, Global Tetrahedron CEO, in an op-ed for The Onion:
Through it all, InfoWars has shown an unswerving commitment to
manufacturing anger and radicalizing the most vulnerable members
of society — values that resonate deeply with all of us at Global
Tetrahedron.No price would be too high for such a cornucopia of malleable
assets and minds. And yet, in a stroke of good fortune, a
formidable special interest group has outwitted the hapless owner
of InfoWars (a forgettable man with an already-forgotten name) and
forced him to sell it at a steep bargain: less than one trillion
dollars.Make no mistake: This is a coup for our company and a
well-deserved victory for multinational elites the world over.What’s next for InfoWars remains a live issue. The excess funds
initially allocated for the purchase will be reinvested into our
philanthropic efforts that include business school scholarships
for promising cult leaders, a charity that donates elections to
at-risk third world dictators, and a new pro bono program pairing
orphans with stable factory jobs at no cost to the factories.
Have I mentioned that under its new ownership, The Onion is once again in good old print, delivered by mail to annual subscribers? I signed up at the end of September, still looking forward to my first issue.