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Imposter syndrome is a hell of a thing. There was no logic that could convince me that I was stepping into a role I belonged in. Even though I’d done 5 rounds of interviews in which a majority of my interviewers must have thought otherwise. That’s where my mindset was a year ago. My first day at Prezi. My first day as an Engineering Manager.
It’s lucky that FedEx messed up with the delivery of my laptop because if I had been able to log in that day I’d have spent the entirety of it paralysed with an overwhelming fear. I couldn’t shake the idea that “I have no idea what I’m doing”. I was going to be managing a software team for the first time. You know, a team of actual human beings. Pure and total madness.
Yet here I was. I’d done enough to convince a handful of people at Prezi that I knew what I was about. I had spent the last six years of my life in various engineering roles, software engineer, senior software engineer, even a brief stint as a team lead for a mobile team consisting of myself and a remote outsourcing company. Not exactly a stellar resume for someone making the managerial debut I thought. Thankfully, Prezi thought otherwise.
I’d known for a while that my road as an individual contributor had come to an end. I burned out hard and realised that I had stopped enjoying programming a long time before. It got to the point where opening up an IDE made me physically ill. My mental state was shot, and I needed to just take a gamble. Or more realistically, find somewhere to take a gamble on me.
So I applied for everything on LinkedIn with Engineering Manager in the title. The shotgun approach to major career decisions. The “Thanks but no” email replies came in almost as fast as I was sending new applications out. The handful of interviews I did get all had me through various stages before the no eventually came. I did this for six months, at the peak I was averaging an interview every 4 days whilst still trying to do my actual job.
It’s incredibly cliche but I genuinely was about to pack the whole thing in and take some extended time off through December into the new year. What I’d do then I didn’t know, try to make the best out of the job I had. There was just one company left. I’d been put in contact with them through an organisation I was a member of called Rural Ireland Tech Advocates (big shout out to Nikita for the heads up).
Alright then. One more interview couldn’t hurt right? What’s another devastating blow to my already diminished sense of self worth.
Turns out they ended up hiring me.
That’s where my road to now began. I spent the entire month before starting thinking “Great I’ve got the job, but how do I do it?” I’d bought a car without first learning how to drive it. From there the next few months was nothing short of a whirlwind.
I was tasked with leading a brand new team of engineers for the first of two Integration teams. There was just one small hitch, we had not yet got a product manager. No problem, I can be a PM for a while right?
I couldn’t.
Turns out you can’t just make up work and you definitely can’t just take an off the cuff idea someone has and run with it for four weeks without actually asking them for product requirements. Oops. I was spending my energy cleaning the kitchen while the house was burning down around me.
At the same time I was temporarily taking over an existing, established team in the Prezi Video sphere.
This existing team was in my care for three months and to my complete surprise was not magically immune to the industry wide job shuffle that I myself had been a part of not two months before. In a bitter blow to my confidence half of the team would be gone by the time the Interregnum ended.
In hindsight the people who left had decided to do so before I joined the team, but it still felt like I had messed up. Instead of handing back the reins of a well oiled team I handed back one that was a shadow of itself.
Thankfully on the new team things were starting to change for the better, we began to hire the people we needed to create a fully functioning team. With a PM came an actual roadmap, plans, and valuable work. We started working on meaningful stuff, and the team grew an identity thanks to the wonderful individuals that all added their own personalities into the mix.
A few weeks later I began work on a second team, working on some conceptual work that spawned out of a hackathon. We decided to put some resources into this idea and see where it panned out.
Since then, I’ve had the easiest job in the world. I turn up most of the time and step back to just let the teams do their thing. Through their own drive and initiative, the pieces fell into place and before I knew it I was witnessing two incredibly efficient machines outputting work at an incredible rate.
Approaching my 1 year mark I’m incredibly proud of the work we’ve done, and amazed at the time in which we’ve done it. And importantly thankful for every single one of my teammates for allowing me the time and the infinite patience required to let me learn, and figure out what the hell I’m meant to be doing.
It’s been hugely challenging and at times painfully frustrating. I’ve had days where I’ve been completely lost and stressed at a total lack of self confidence. But I’ve never once felt alone or alienated. I’ve never felt like anyone was fed up with my genuinely massive amounts of mistakes. I don’t know what the secret to our success is. I get to go to work with great people doing great things, and I do whatever it takes to help them do that. Maybe that’s all I can do, maybe it’s all I need to do. Either way, what a wonderful first year as an engineering manager.
There are far, far too many people to call out and be thankful for over the last year, it goes without saying that all of the credit goes to the two teams who’ve had the misfortune of putting up with me for the last 8–12 months. Their ability to come together and create a truly collaborative cross functional unit in no time at all is the reason for our success. They’re a credit to themselves and the entire company.
I would however be remiss not to specifically call out Balazs Serenyi who’s probably had to take the brunt of my inexperience yet has never been anything other than supportive and helpful in getting the job done. Also Jess Goldsmith who’s provided the stability and direction for the integration teams that were so incredibly lacking when I was doing it on my own, and with a wit and humour that is unmatched. The partnership team of David, Danielle, Kate, Terry, Nour, and Jenny for not only their consistent high quality work in partnerships but for genuinely the best meeting I have every week. My manager Balazs Szele, who has been a fantastic mentor. Always on hand to help me out and answer all of my stupid questions. I have yet to have a 1:1 with Balazs that wasn’t insightful or enjoyable. Although it does come at the cost of an ever ballooning list of books that I end up wanting to read. Also for hiring me, that’s a big one. What a gamble, very appreciated. Finally, my fiancée Olivia for always supporting me and keeping spirits high when the going gets tough.
And thanks to Prezi, for giving me the chance to do what I now love doing so much.