Dear Dáithí: I’m so disappointed in my daughter — she is using screens to parent my grandchildren

My daughter and her husband do work full time, I know it is different than in my day, but I feel they are outsourcing their parenting to robots, and I know they will regret it.  

My two grandsons are 7 and 9 and they are left on screens for hours at a time. 

Anytime I’m there, they are glued to their computers, and it looks violent. I ask their mum what they are playing, and she doesn’t know. 

The boys barely acknowledge me. They don’t get proper dinners, my daughter let them eat dinner in their playroom last week and it was the last straw for me. 

I told her I’m not visiting unless the children sit down for dinner at the table with us. 

My daughter just said she doesn’t appreciate ultimatums, and this is the norm for modern parenting.  

The boys don’t get enough exercise, they don’t seem to interact with each other as a family, how can THAT be the norm?  

I’m so disappointed in her, and worried for them. Am I wrong to stay away?

 There is a lot of heat, pressure and frustration in the above, a lot off love too, we must not forget that. 

Sometimes when we seem to be giving out, we forget where its coming from and what’s causing it and I believe all this is coming from a good place, you want the best for your grandchildren and for your daughter too so let’s not forget this.

Your daughter is right though, parenting has changed and is very different from when you were parenting, and it was probably the same for your own mother when she was looking at you. 

Any parents who are both working and trying to make ends meet have it tough. Its not easy keeping it all going, but to say they’re outsourcing their parenting is a cruel and yes, they might regret somethings down the line, but it sounds to me that they are trying to keep everything going in the now. They might even need some help and that’s where you might come in.

You say the children don’t get much exercise, well I think this is your opportunity to organise an event or activity to get them moving and you out of the house and away from the screens. 

This is you being proactive. It will give them the chance to get to know you a little better and strengthen the bond between you all. And make it fun, go out and have the craic with them, they will love it. It will give you daughter a break too.

Going back to the screen for a bit, I would be worried about the content, fairly violent has no business near anyone under 18 not to mind children seven and nine. 

I know lots of parents are happy to have the children on screens but don’t realise what they are watching. Parents including myself need to be ahead of the game on this one. 

What they can access these days is unreal and frightening, so I would say this to you daughter and tell her what you’ve seen. That’s if she listens!

Yes, if she listens, she ‘doesn’t appreciate ultimatums’ who does? Now the reason your daughter doesn’t listen to your advice is because she doesn’t want it, so stop giving her something she doesn’t want. 

It will only sour the relationship between you both and where will that get us, nowhere. By the way I’d imagine she doesn’t want advice from anyone and that’s just the way it is, so don’t take it personally. 

You say you’re disappointed in her, you shouldn’t be, actually you should be very proud of her and all she is doing. The conflict here is that you think one way and she thinks another. 

I think you should look at your own approach to this relationship, instead of giving advice that she doesn’t want and won’t except anyway, ask her how she is doing and is there anything you can do to help her and take the temperature down a bit. 

It sounds like you and your daughter have lost your way together a bit, you should fix this. A gentle approach is the best way.

Now I don’t like the fact that when you go over, they are on their screens and having dinner in another room. This happens in a lot of houses, but there is a rule in our house if anyone is over the screens are put away. 

I don’t like eating in any other rooms except the kitchen and this is where you’re going to ask, not tell you daughter to sort this out. 

I would explain how it makes you feel when you’re over and the children are not engaging with you. 

Now when you have their attention make sure that you have fun with you and again, I’d keep the advice to a minimum, remember you are Nan or granny or whatever they call you. 

You are not their parent, because you know what happens, all the stories will go back to their parents and then you’ll be writing in again next week.

I would start all of this process with the relationship between you and your daughter. Be kind to her and have a good sit down, tell her that you are worried about her, ask her if she is ok and take it from there. 

Tell her you want to bring the children out for a day to get the know them better and to spoil them, ask her if there is a day that suits her to do this. 

Remember parenting has changed but you haven’t, so you too need to adjust here, but what’s very important here is that all of this is coming from a good place, so keep it there, all will be good.