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GREEN BAY, WI—Completely ignoring a tackle for loss on the field, Fox Sports NFL announcer Tom Brady began to break down exactly why the jiu jitsu instructor now dating his ex-wife would never be able to please her. “Just look at this guy, from a physical and a mental standpoint, he just doesn’t have what it takes and he lacks the patience to find her erogenous zones,” said the seven-time Super Bowl champion, cutting off play-by-play announcer Kevin Burkhardt and drawing his ex-wife’s body on the screen to point out exactly where her most sensitive areas were actually located and stressing how jiu jitsu instructor Joaquim Valente’s martial arts training makes him ergonomically incompatible with Gisele. “He’ll almost certainly start kissing on her shoulders and work his way up to her neck while slowly sliding his hand down her thigh, but that won’t even make my former wife even remotely aroused. Hey, Joaquim, good luck making the mother of my three children moan while you futilely pull her hair and gently pinch her nipples! Get real.” At press time, the former quarterback was criticizing the Valente’s over-reliance on encouragement to form a healthy, supportive relationship with Brady’s children.