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Sexual compatibility is hard to define but it is generally interpreted as how well a couple’s beliefs, needs and desires around sexual activities combine. It’s not something most couples think too hard about at the beginning of a relationship because the chemistry is often so strong that compatibility is automatic. From a research perspective, sexual compatibility is one of five core elements that contribute to sexual wellbeing. The others are: sexual satisfaction, physical intimacy, emotional closeness during sex and sexual function. While sexual compatibility is important, in isolation it is not enough to sustain a relationship – and since you and your ex-husband are divorced, even a great sex life doesn’t seem to have been sufficient for you either.
It isn’t fair to compare a new sexual relationship to one that had years to mature. A sexual relationship with someone you have only just met is unlikely to make you feel the same way as you did in a marriage that lasted more than a decade. It takes time for people to relax and to get to know each other’s likes and dislikes, so if your new man ticks all the other boxes, give him a chance. A good sexual partner is not someone who can whizz through the 64 positions in the Kama Sutra. It is someone who checks in, communicates well and makes sure you are having a good time. If I had to choose between someone with good sexual etiquette and someone with good sexual technique, I’d pick etiquette every time. Sure, there has to be chemistry, but you can teach anyone technique. It’s harder to teach someone to be considerate.
If you stick with it you may find that the fact you are so different is a good thing. When it comes to sex, difference can be much more exciting than similarity. Novelty is arousing and experiencing something at odds with your own inclinations can be stimulating. Contrasting desires can create a ‘push and pull’ dynamic that is more exciting than sex between two people who approach everything in the same way. Yes, you are more adventurous and he is more reserved, but as mutual trust builds, you’ll find that you also begin to influence each other. He may introduce you to the joy of slow, sensuous intimacy – the kind of sex that feels like making love. And your spontaneity may encourage him to be more sexually expressive and try new things.
The most important predictor of whether or not this relationship will last is going to be how you perceive the differences between you. A University of Kentucky study on sexual compatibility concluded that the perception of sexual compatibility is a more important predictor of satisfaction than actual compatibility or specific turn-ons and turn-offs. Regardless of whether two people like to engage in the same sexual behaviours, as long as they perceive that they are compatible, they will be satisfied. Ultimately, the best way to ensure this relationship works is to have some faith in it.
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