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CINCINNATI—Moments after he frantically nailed two-by-fours across the closed door of the bedroom he shares with his wife, vice presidential candidate JD Vance issued a dire warning Wednesday, alerting the public that millions of women may vote under the influence of menstrual madness. “If they are permitted to cast ballots, then we risk allowing the next president of the United States to be chosen by this crimson menace,” said the Ohio senator, who before boarding up a bedroom window slid a metal tray with a cup of pills, ginger root, a wooden cross, and a Bible to Usha Vance, the mother of his three children. “Simply being in the presence of menstrual fluid can cause anyone—man, woman, or child—to lose their grip on sanity. All women of breeding age must be kept at least 500 feet away from polling sites to prevent a complete derangement of the American electorate. This is code red!” Vance added that as soon as Election Day was over, it would once more be safe to allow women outdoors to engage in tasks such as grocery shopping and taking the kids to and from school.