Written by 
How Jenny and somebody else’s mom helped me achieve something today. I don’t suffer from depression, but I’ve had a few horrific things happen in a short period of time and say hello to my little friend ANXIEEEEEEEETY. On bad weeks it can look like this: need to go grocery shopping. Brain: But what if that horrible thing happens again? Me: It won’t, but let’s find something that motivates me. Horrible news in the news, I get triggered and no groceries for two weeks.
Today same. In my pj top, managed pants. Sat on my bed. Brain: nopedy nope. So I start web surfing and come across Jenny’s small happy things and victories posts. The woman and her daughter on the a…hole pony reminded me of a happy memory and something that I overcame when I was a teen as well as the courageous person I used to be.
I used to ride competitively. For non horse people: Horses are prey animals evolved to run. Once they panic controlling them is almost impossible even for the most experienced rider. This was a little girl. Overcoming her fear (and trust me getting stuck on anything that gallops 25mph or more is Scary!) with trust because mom was alongside her doing the absolute right thing was so moving. At that speed if the pony had suddenly stopped or bolted off sideways her injuries would have been severe.
Young male teen I went to a training school and ended up with a three-year old retired racehorce. Retired??????Hahahaha. Sitting on a racehorse is like sitting on a one ton ballerina who is constantly vibrating en pointe. We went out for a ride through farm country, coach was with us. It was pleasant and relaxing. Small plane overhead, my horse bolts and we end up in a field. My initial I got this turned into OMG I’m going to die. I tried to calm him, get him to canter in a circle, he ripped the reigns out of my gloved hands with such force that I had blisters the next day. Then he started to buck. Despair and embarrassment. Sitting on enthusiastic killer of things sitting on me, barely hanging on, lost one stirup and creating cropcircles was not going to impress anyone. Then I heard coach: “LET HIM RUN!” So I did. I trusted. Two useless reigns in my hand, grasped the mane, leaned foward hung on like a monkey eyes watering due to high speed, I let him do what he was bred to do. Run. He did so in a straight line to reach his “herd” (Coach had galloped around the field to meet me). That’s the person I used to be.
That memory came back today. I dressed. Finally went grocery shopping. I did it. THANK YOU, JENNY.
Got home realized I’d forgotten my keys. Small steps people, small steps. Today I’m Rider.