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DNC Email Pleads For $20 To Cheer Them Up

WASHINGTON—Calling on all Democrats to step up and donate in the wake of Donald Trump’s victory in the 2024 presidential election, a fundraising email sent out Wednesday by the Democratic National Committee pleaded for a donation of $20 to help cheer them up. “ATTENTION VOTERS: Kamala Harris and her fellow Democrats woke up this morning […]

Hollywood Reacts With Shock, Dismay to Donald Trump’s Election: ‘Why? Give Me Your Reasons Why?’

Donald Trump‘s decisive presidential victory shocked Hollywood as actors, celebrities and media personalities took to social media late Tuesday and early Wednesday to share their feelings of hurt and dismay. Former “Married…With Children” star Christina Applegate said that Trump’s win threatened reproductive rights, which were already impacted after Roe v. Wade was overturned in 2022. […]

Election Officials Announce Results Won’t Be Available Until After You Brush Teeth, Put On Jammies

WASHINGTON—Crossing their arms and tapping their feet impatiently, election officials across the nation announced Tuesday night that they wouldn’t release the results of the 2024 presidential race until you had brushed your teeth and put on your jammies. “The results are in, the 47th president of the United States has been chosen, and all the […]

Stressed Nation Asks Obama If It Can Bum 340 Million Cigarettes

WASHINGTON—With cortisol levels spiking to all-time highs, the stressed-out U.S. populace reportedly asked former President Barack Obama on Tuesday if it could bum 340 million cigarettes. “Hey, man, if we could have one, or maybe 340 million, that would be great,” Americans across the country said as they paced tensely around their homes, continuously refreshed their […]